The Rape Fantasy thing – A respectful man’s conundrum

Let me start out by saying I do not understand the desire women have for the rape fantasy. It seems to be more common than I had once thought. In light of this recent discovery, I feel I must talk about it because it presents me with a very difficult predicament.

The idea of being forcibly taken, sexually, is something I have frowned upon as a man for as long as I can remember. I have never fetishized the act. I have a moral image in my mind that women must be respected and cared for, not manhandled. This, I feel, helps explain why it is that I am single and why it is I have been single for most of my life. I do not have a dominant personality, or at least not so dominant that it involves actually dominating someone, even in a role playing fantasy with a partner. In my mind, a woman who fetishizes rape has a paraphilia, one that hints at some kind of underlying pathology. For me, when a woman confesses a desire to be raped, it constitutes a red flag. I see scars and damage, not exploration. I see self-worth issues and a pathological form of submission. Because of one woman I dated, none of you will ever mention this fantasy to me without being questioned about your mental health.

Some men fetishize feet. Others, worn panties. Some men fetishize rough sex. It gives them a rush that other acts cannot. For me, I feel no thrill in dominance, no emotional rush. Fetishizing rape does not get me off. It may affect you in ways I cannot feel, but because I don’t get a rise out of it, the rape fantasy is not my thing. (And that’s okay.)

What is not okay is submitting myself to a partner who, through a traumatic event, now only sees her self worth in light of that trauma, pathologically desiring to revisit that event. It is wrong to make a woman who needs psychological treatment indulge in reliving the rape, even if she thinks that’s the only way she can experience sex. A fetish is one thing. The post traumatic manifestations are not considered a fetish, though. That is the line I recently had to draw.

My last ex was actually raped. She never sought out psychiatric counseling for the trauma. Because she divulged this information early on in our short lived relationship, every action where she appeared to become distant, to me, was rooted in this past event that had never seen resolution. To me, her scar manifested itself in unhealthy ways. Because of this woman, any other who comes to me professing a desire to act out a rape fantasy will be met with alarming concern, questions, and above all else, my clinical suspicion of a psychiatric problem.

She wrote out a long letter to me, a big step for her and for us as a couple. It was a powerful and moving letter and in it, she expressed an immense amount of hope in sharing her sexual desires with me. If you are a regular reader, you will already know she and I never ended up actually having sex. In her letter and in IM’s, she discussed things which bothered my clinical mind. She expressed a past fetish for urophilia, but admitted it was something she should put behind her. To me, urophilia symbolizes humiliation and quite often, it is a manifestation indicative of a past trauma. The story in my mind was falling into place. Her rape experience had damaged her. In addition to this fetish, she also fantasized about being suffocated, no, choked during sex. She wanted me to put my hand on her throat and squeeze. To me, this also signified some kind of a problem. Why was it that she seemed so adamant about reliving such a traumatic experience? Without going into all that is the victim role, let me just discuss my level of concern in context.

Our last real day together, a day I drove the two hours to see her, we went to a park. Even though the day was hot as hell, we were outside in the sun, in each other’s arms. On our way back to her house, I made a comment that, while admittedly poorly placed, evoked a reaction that was beyond acceptable. She broke into tears and accelerated from 55-ish to around 80mph on a two lane road. A curve ahead of us put me into a panic and gruesome images of the car’s tan interior flashed into my brain, my thoughts overwhelmed with the fear that she was upset to the point where she might intentionally drive off the road and kill us both.

After defusing the situation at an elementary school playground, a place I asked her to drive to after getting her to slow down, a place I only described as somewhere she felt comfortable, everything felt fine again. I professed my love again, but also voiced my concerns. I let her know that I was there for her through thick and thin. I admitted I was worried she would run on me at some point, but I asked her not to. She was open to the idea of therapy and she was thankful that I was with her that day. I also reminded her that in addition to myself, she had her mother and younger brother who both loved her very much, as illustrated by recent events in my presence.

As something of a surprise, she wanted to show me her breasts when we arrived back at her house. I took the offer cautiously because, me being me, I knew that once the shirts were off, all bets were off with regard to my self control. I warned her that she would need to be the voice of reason if she took off her shirt.

Well, after a long session of kissing and breast sucking, we were as close as any two people could get, short of having sex. I wanted to, but as we toyed with various positions, my boxers and her panties still attached to our persons, she guided my hand to her throat and told me to squeeze. I did, but slowly and gently. I was uncomfortable. I told her that I had never done something like that before and that I would have to ease into going that far, sexually. I flashed a condom and she quietly nodded No, so I kept my urges in check. Given her past, I did not want to feel as though I was pushing myself on her. I was under the impression that the right thing to do was to respect her space and take it slow, or at least as slow as she was going with me. I admit that in hindsight, that day certainly did not go slowly at all, but relatively speaking, I was fine with going slow. I knew that having sex with her at that point in time would have been wrong, but in hindsight, I probably should have. It would have probably saved the relationship. She wanted me to take control and to take her, not pussy foot around and play the good guy. I was supposed to take what I wanted, not ask for it. I’m sorry, but I am the asking type. I respect boundaries and require permission to cross certain lines. In light of her past, sex had to wait.

We nuzzled up against one another and just felt each other breathe for the remainder of that evening. After a while, I looked at my watch and knew it was time for me to leave. I had a two hour drive home and it was already 7pm. It would get dark around 8. We got up out of her futon and kissed some more. She hopped back down on the futon, her arms and legs positioned in front of me in a doggy position. She wanted me to slap her ass. My mind was already in a respectful mood, so I did not, but I was a little aggressive before backing off and getting dressed.

As I prepared to leave, one of the last things she did was grab my ass as I got into my car. That would be the last time we would ever see each other face to face. We broke up days later over the internet. She felt suffocated. She felt rushed. Given her actions on our last day together, the vibe she was putting out certainly did not conjure up the word suffocated. In fact, she had been down right forward. What happened was, the runner inside got the better of her. She was scarred and afraid, so she bolted on me. I made her face her demons and she wasn’t ready. That’s why she felt suffocated. It wasn’t about me. It was about her inner struggles.

Ever since, I have kicked myself for not being more forward on that day. On one hand, my moral side knew better, but in hindsight, she wanted it and I would have been happy to oblige. She would have been my one in a million kind of experience, or at least that’s my impression. God, she was beautiful. Underneath that beauty was a mess and knowing what I know, part of me questions my own actions and the other part can only wonder what an amazing relationship we might have had.

Damnit. I’m crying now.

Back to the topic at hand.

When I think about that day, I see what it is that has kept me from getting women all of these years. I have read so many profiles in online dating. Quite a few women are very sexual on OKCupid, especially with regard to their Match questions. They often admit to liking their hair pulled, their asses slapped, their bodies ravished to the point where a rape fantasy begins to materialize. Sometimes they admit to wanting the rape fantasy. I believe there is an actual Match question about it.

So what I’m finding out is, women, maybe not all women, but a surprising number, want to be dominated to the extreme. They want a man who will give that to them. They want the sex that way. They are not the women who profess their need for the last good man. What I’m learning is, the “good man” thing is so not true. The bad boy is what they want, regardless of age.

I don’t know which way is up anymore. While some women say they are being honest with us, behind closed doors, how many of them have this fantasy?

My gut tells me to respect them. I’m wired to be respectful. I’m not wired to grab them and toss their bodies around like a toy, at least not yet. I don’t have the experience to back me up in the sex department. Until I venture that far with someone, I won’t know for sure. The only woman I’ve ever had sex with was submissive and sometimes zombie-like in bed.

So looking back, now I feel regret. Had I been the dominant male, my ex wouldn’t have felt suffocated. She would have probably felt secure and submissive. It was my emotion that set off the runner in her. It was my respectful good guy nature. While she called me a good man and smiled while doing so, I don’t think she was as forthcoming as she should have been. Had she allowed me room to take an interest, maybe she would have enjoyed what I could offer her.

I know women won’t like me saying this and I admit I know they don’t want to be cheated on, but I have a bad feeling they enjoy being a victim. I have a feeling they do enjoy being mistreated on some sort of masochistic level. My clinical mind still views this behavior as a sign of underlying pathology and it worries me. It doesn’t excite me. I do not want to be another guy in a line of other guys who has roughed up a woman to the point where she actually likes it.

I’m torn. I could share this kink with the right woman, I’m sure. I just can’t read it. I don’t know how I should see the world now. The word confidence is now intertwined with dominant, strong, overbearing, and forceful. I didn’t know what women wanted in me prior to this post, but after this post, I almost don’t have any hope left. Even if I had the mind for it, I don’t have the body for it, unless you’re like my ex at 5’2 and 100lbs. Then, maybe I can envelop and overpower you.

If I could talk to my ex about this, I would. I want answers. I need explanations. I need honesty. Our conversations were that open, so I know the her I fell for would have no problem talking about it. Unfortunately, the woman who felt suffocated will not be able to have this conversation. I have nowhere else to turn but here.

Dating this woman has influenced the way I feel about violence against women. I am more outspoken regarding things like physical abuse and rape. I don’t want to pay for the hell someone else put a fine woman through and I certainly don’t wish this hell upon anyone else. Enough women have been through the traumatic experience of rape that I cannot, in good conscience, ignore the possibility that this fetish could represent something worse. Two kinds of women have this fetish, but because one was actually assaulted, the other must be approached as if she may have been traumatized. One woman has completely changed my perspective.

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16 Responses to The Rape Fantasy thing – A respectful man’s conundrum

  1. whatsaysyou says:

    I find your blog post interesting and it is rare to find a guy like you to see rape fantasy as disgusting, appalling and unacceptable. From what you wrote about your experience with your last ex, I can say that you stood your ground with respect and sensibility rather than give in and sleep with her which would only traumatise your poor ex (given the fact that she was a victim of rape). Although the relationship ended, it is good to see someone like you become more outspoken towards the issue of physical abuse and rape. Keep it up

  2. internetmine says:

    Your posting today has really given me pause. When it comes to sexuality, I believe that women, and men, have their sexual needs rooted in their emotional history. Given that everyone’s emotional history is different and often complicated, I believe that you will find that each woman’s sexual needs are different and not easily categorized. What I believe is important for you to understand about women is the need to communicate about sexual needs, even though it is difficult. We often behave in sexual ways because we think this is what is expected of us to get a man interested in us. We often have sexual relationships that don’t make us happy or make our partner happy because we are afraid to talk about sex. The best loving relationships are based on communication and that also means talking about and exploring the sexual relationship together. I admire your respectability and restraint given your ex’s history. As sad as you feel now about missing the opportunity, imagine how you would have felt after breaking up….would you have felt like you took advantage of her? Is that a feeling you want to carry with you forever?

    • In my blog, I feel that I have conveyed myself as an advocate of communication. Behind this story lies a long exchange, conversations which sometimes lasted seven hours at at a time. I was made aware of her past early on, so much of my time with her was spent attempting to talk her through any emotional walls she put up. I was more focused on her emotional needs and in hindsight, I think she needed something different from me. She didn’t need me to be a rock of support. She didn’t want me to meddle. She just needed me to listen. She just needed me to be present if called upon. My instinct to help, while likely warranted, was not well received and so I ended up where I am today. I was a great listener, but I also noticed signs that worried me. Those problems needed to be addressed. If there was a pathology, I approached it far too quickly than I should have. I wanted to talk with her about that past. I wanted to communicate just how I felt about her desires, including which ones I already accepted and was willing to explore. I really was trying to be nonjudgmental as possible about these things.

      This speaks to a larger issue then. After reading several blogs, comments by others, and online dating profiles, I’ve seen that a woman’s independence manifests itself in a variety of ways. Men cannot necessarily read between the lines, differentiating a woman’s independent self from the self who needs us to step in. My problem is, I have been raised to think what women like is a certain level of respectability. What I’m finding out is, the men who get dates and the men who find success in dating are not often the listeners. I now hold the opinion that communicators sit back and watch everyone else have fun. It’s a new spin on the old nice guys finish last thing. I submit my lack of a relationship until age 26 as my evidence.

      So if women are indeed behaving in ways that they feel are expected of them, do I live a life expecting these things, changing who I am? Or do I continue down this path of respectfulness? When I read all of these women talk about rough sex, hair pulling, and submission to a rape fantasy, I do not see the women I was told I should cherish. I see a sea of women who say they want to be respected and cherished, but who really want to be dominated.

      Restraint seems to only be holding me back while everyone else enjoys themselves.

      But your final point, while excellent and one I agree with, is perhaps an exercise in discussing the unknown. Neither one of us knows if her rape fantasy/need to be dominated and humiliated is rooted in this traumatic event. Neither one of us can say for sure, had I engaged in sex with her that day, whether or not it would have amounted to taking advantage of her. You and I, we see the pathology in her desires, but the diagnosis could be dead wrong. As I read thread after thread about rape fantasies prior to actually writing this post, the more I realized that the act is more normal and widespread than previously thought. But there is no way of telling which women desire to be dominated in this way and which women are manifesting deeper issues that require counseling. I’m suddenly posed with the notion that I’ve got to assume the former is often more true than society would admit. Surely they all can’t be damaged?

      Whether or not I would have taken advantage of her depends on whether or not her desires really were based on a pathology. Maybe the arousal she felt had nothing to do with her past. I know. The odds are anorexically slim, but it was entirely possible she was no different than so many other women out there who are trying these things, finding out they enjoy it.

      Would I have regretted it? Again, it all depends on whether or not the communication required led both of us to see what we could share with one another. It depends on whether it was just a kink of hers or a sign of something worse going on in her head. On top of all of that, if I continue down this drought of mine, will I regret not having sex with her all the more? It’s been about four years now since I’ve gone that far with a woman. It’s been almost a year since this ex and I dated. I don’t know how many more years I’ll go without, to be honest. I am beginning to see how easily a man can go from loving to opportunistic. Deny us something long enough, and our standards cannot stand the test of time. There is a breaking point. I don’t like the sound of that at all, but I can at least understand how the mentality comes into fruition. Whether or not I will succumb to the pressure is another question entirely. Again, what I do know is that restraint seems to be holding me back while everyone else enjoys life.

      I may never get an opportunity like her ever again, you see.

      • Happy wife says:

        I know this is an old blog but i found it during some research.
        Speaking as a normal, healthy woman who experiences these fantasies, I can tell you this. Something you said bothered me. You said “I see a sea of women who say they want to be respected and cherished, who really want to be dominated”.

        My husband, when I met him, was very respectful inside and outside of the bedroom. Slowly, with our desire for each other, we have gotten to a point where together, we have begun to explore my fantasies (and his) in the bedroom. Here’s the thing, our sex life, while it definitely encourages closeness between us, is our sex life. Outside of the bedroom he is still respectful to me. To this day the man still opens doors for me, takes the check, wraps his arms around me, and constantly tells me how much he loves me. We don’t act out fantasies when our relationship is struggling, only when it is strong.

        I have never felt so close to him as I did the first time he said “Beg me to stop”. It was a symbol that he trusted me, and that I trusted him, and a big step for him that wasn’t taken until months after extensive discussions and deciding on a safe word. I let him move at his own pace.

        I have never been raped. And in reality, it’s not rape. It truly is a fantasy.

        You are not throwing respect out the window. I think it takes a great deal of mutual respect between two people to act something like this out. The amount of trust is what honestly excites me. I love my husband and it takes the ultimate trust as a woman who is 5’2 and 115 lbs to give that control to him and be able to trust him to pleasure me. Not all of our sex life is based on this. We are a rather active couple and I would say that it only comes into play about 25% of the time. We still have a ways to go and I am looking forward to conquering this fantasy together as well as his fantasies. It brings us closer.

        I am loved and cherished. Very much so. Dirty talk in the bedroom is exactly that, dirty talk in the bedroom. It has its place only when bedroom activities aren’t involved. In the bedroom I am my husbands little whore, but if he were to say, call me that while out to dinner, or grocery shopping, or even when it’s just the two of us at home in a non sexual setting, I would be extremely offended.

        My husband is first and foremost my best friend. We share everything together. He tells me all the time how much respect he has for me, how he cherishes me, how he loves me, and I do the same for him. And I love our relationship. My fantasy does not define who we are as a couple. Surely there are some women who have been raped, and many derive fantasies from it, but its common, more than half of women have fantasies at some points in their life of this nature and for more than a third of us it is ongoing. Having a man who is willing to help us explore our fantasies IS showing respect.

        Hopefully I helped you. Good luck in your ventures my friend.

        • I know my post is a long one, but there is a key point in that post you missed. While I agree that a man who is willing to explore your fantasies is showing respect, conversely, it would not be respectful to me to ask me to do something I am not comfortable with. Trust is one thing. Going beyond my personal boundary when my gut wrenches at the thought of fetishizing this kind of act is not respectful to me. Some fantasies go beyond what trust is capable of enduring.

          It takes two in this and when I am not comfortable with this kind of fantasy, it would be wrong to ask me to carry it out. I see a sea of women who want to be dominated, including you. I cannot live up to that request. This leaves me back where I started, perplexed.

          I get no thrill from “Beg me to stop” and a woman who gets a thrill out of that wants a man who can give that to her. I can’t give that to someone. It is a boundary I have set for myself.


          Because I cannot identify the women with a pathology from the crowd of normal women with fantasies, I have to assume the former before I consider the latter, regardless. One woman made all the difference. Because of her, I consider the possibility because ignoring that possibility means I could do more harm than good.

  3. I thought more about this today and I cannot in good conscience bring myself to act out such a fantasy for a woman. The guilt that consumes me just thinking about it makes me almost sick to my stomach. This guilt is soon followed by a realization that, given the regularity with which this sort of fantasy is revealed, I cannot give a woman what she wants. It makes me feel inadequate. Ironic, isn’t it, that they act this way because they think it is expected of them, but inadvertently I become self conscious of my own behavior to the point where I feel I should act differently so as to appease their needs.

    I don’t find their fantasy weird, but I am troubled by the possible reasons they have for the fantasy. I would have to build up a significant amount of trust in order to perform something so against my conscience.

    As in the case of my ex, I would not want to inflict additional emotional harm to someone who has already been traumatized. At some point, they are going to need to get help, but as a friend in psychology told me, someone can only get help when they want to get help. We cannot make them get help. They cannot go into counseling and say they are there because their boyfriend thinks they need counseling. A woman has to admit there is a problem and then must want to remedy that problem in order to heal.

    Acting out this fantasy with the wrong woman is dangerous. The thing is, there is no way of knowing which ones have suffered trauma and which ones are merely fantasizing. In my case, I was lucky she told me ahead of time, but now, can you blame me for being concerned that around every corner lurks a troubled young woman?

    But that’s assuming there is a problem. Judging by the stories in the following links, women who have been traumatized are just as into the rape fantasy as those who have no emotional hangups to speak of. Something inside of them craves the violent interaction.

    After reading those stories, I just don’t know what to think.

  4. internetmine says:

    Something that you wrote prompted me to comment. I know you see many women express this rape and violence fantasy frequently. However, you can’t truly measure how many women truly have this fantasy by the posts and articles that you have read. There is a commonality among a limited number of women who provide this information to potential dating partners. The rest of us are not as likely to advertise these fantasies or go to places where we see other women writing about this. I do believe most women want to meet a man that respects them, treats them with dignity, and wants to develop an intimate relationship that they can define together. Or maybe my perspective is more the unusual, than the common. My perspective says that women are becoming more desperate to find a man and that they are projecting what they think men want. Television, internet, movies tell us increasingly that as women our sexuality is the only thing we have that is of value.

    Also, you honestly think that all these people are having fun? I think men and women are hiding behind their true desire to find someone to share mind and body. My single friends, their single friends, and just about everyone I talk to express this same desire. Their one night stands consistently end up in conversations not about how much fun they have, but the next plan they have to meet Mr. or Mrs. Right. Yes, you are missing sex. I suppose if you need sex and you think you are missing out on fun, then you could always join a sex club or hire a prostitute. Just don’t think you will feel differently if you change your behavior and become opportunistic. You are a very smart man. I think you should be looking for a woman who shares in your intellectual pursuits and seduce her with your brain. The rest always follows.

  5. I can’t speak to what goes on in women’s minds, but I can say that in addition to the above links, many other sites seem to all point to the fantasy being more common. The reasons may vary, but they all require that the man exert a certain dominance I do not think I possess.

    The Mr. Right they plan on meeting is, to me, a pipe dream. It’s a lie. The proof is in my results. Women out there are clamoring for decent respectful men. They are under the impression that no more good men are left. Good men, smart women, and relationship experts will all attest to the fact that the notion that no more good men are left is a myth. The Mr. Right plan is equally based on what women have been told to want on TV and in the movies.

    In other words, I’m back where I started. Nice. Dominant. Both are results of these idealistic images women are shown.

    Sorry, but the whole smart thing is idealism that hasn’t given me anything for years. I don’t buy into it anymore. Women out there aren’t chasing after the smart ones. Intelligence is sexy only when it is paired with the rest of Mr. Dreamy’s attributes. I cannot afford to buy into that mentality any longer. It just doesn’t work. It just isn’t true enough to make a difference. All of the power is in women’s hands now. They dictate what happens on this playing field. Demand is high for certain kinds of men. I’m not one of them, no matter how much I fit the description. A woman will always come up with an excuse to avoid me. As my About Me points out, I’m too much for some, but not enough for most.

    Everything seems to be primal. Those urges determine what a woman is attracted to. As far as I’m concerned, we are living like cavemen.

  6. I used to be a very sexual person and I can assure you I never (nor do I know any woman) who fantasized about being raped. That is beyond disturbing and you need to get away from the online dating! You couldn’t have had sex with her anyway. She told you “no” when you produced the condom, remember? Refusing to rape someone does not make you a decent man. The bar is a lot lower than that, I’m afraid.

  7. Higher? You know what I mean :)

    • I think you misunderstood part of my post. I’m well aware of her No answer and at this point, almost a year later, it’s simply irrelevant and futile to discuss, but let me clarify something. As my post stated, after she said No, the body language and the forwardness gave off a hard to get attitude. She was right down in front of me wanting her ass slapped. To me, while she said No, the playfulness of her actions said Yes. Do you see the mixed signals she was sending out? Sex would have been an unwise and unhealthy move and the only connection it has to the rape theme of this post is that she had been traumatized in the past. The reasons behind women wanting to be dominated throw me as a decent guy who would much rather respect boundaries than to break them.

      Whether or not women want that kind of sex is, as the other commenter said, unique to each woman. From what I’ve read in those articles and others is that the rape fantasy is more common than I once thought. While you may not know women who admit to wanting this fantasy, who is to say they would divulge such a taboo fantasy to any of us? You can’t tell just by looking at someone and the only person who knows for sure will be the man they have sex with. I just know that I don’t think I could bring myself to treat a woman like that if she asked me to, safe word or not.

      No means No. I get that. I think you jumped a few steps ahead to somehow twist my words so as to make me out as someone who thinks decency is as simple as the above post. On the contrary, decency is what my collective actions amount to, something a new reader cannot begin to comment on.

      The point of my post was not that I am decent because I won’t rape someone. The other commenters seem to understand what I am after with this post.

  8. simplys says:

    I was raped twice, and almost a 3rd time. I sometimes think the term rape fantasy is a bad choice, because sometimes women just want to loose control or have it taken from them. My girlfriends and I have discussed our sex lives and said that sometimes during sex when through role playing or just being tied up it helps to make the “control freaks” really have to let go. I have an active sex life and although i never went to therapy I do enjoy some forceful/dominating sex. However I do compliment you on your choice to not have sex with her, as it seems her pattern which occasionally mirrored my own back in the day was to see how far i could push someone into taking me to bed, then doing it because I felt i no choice, and then everything would go down hill from there. and she probably did run because maybe in her messed up mindset she didn’t think she deserved you or she thought that you weren’t interested because you didn’t push the issue, and some rape victims do think that.

    • Thank you for your additional perspective. It helps me work through all the hypotheticals that haunted my mind after the break up. At the time, I made a list of things that could have explained why she ran. Some blame went my way. Some covered exactly what you said. Thing is, I’ll never know for sure. I don’t think it was because I didn’t push the issue. She said she felt smothered. I think she felt inadequate and realized she had let her guard down too much. Communication deteriorated to the point where I didn’t think she understood me anymore. That mental connection was the main reason why I fell for her in the first place. The event that triggered the argument which set everything into motion went one way in my mind, but her version was something completely different. It happened via Yahoo IM, so I had the text right in front of me to evaluate after the fact. She actually called me a beast that does not know he is a beast. There’s no coming back from being perceived as something so horrific.

      I have seen many others discuss the terminology. The connotation which goes along with the fantasy is not really what a woman is after. In other words, it’s not rape she’s after. It’s the domination. It’s something of a misnomer and I understand all of that. Even with that understanding, the psychology behind wanting a rape fantasy as opposed to your run of the mill rough sex, I think, is different. That’s the part which troubles me the most. Each woman has her own reason for liking what she does, but I don’t want to be the one who acts something out for the wrong reasons.

      Again, thanks for commenting. I appreciate it. I’m glad your life sounds whole and enjoyable. Every time I think about my ex, I hope she is on track towards healing.

  9. I was browsing my WordPress stats and noticed a search phrase that bothered me. I’m guessing their search landed them here.

    “choking fantasy women deeper issues”

    I did the same search thinking it might give me comfort. It did not. The results gave me more links pointing to the fetish and highlighting just how common this sort of rough play really is.

    It’s disturbing to think so many women want to be choked during sex. Asphyxiation does impact the orgasm. No disagreement there. I just see something violent…too violent, in the act of choking someone.

    I feel like everything I’ve been told has been a lie. The bad boy was one thing. This is something more than being a bad boy. I really hope a woman takes a chance on me because I do not look the part. My 130lbs just isn’t going to give her that dominated thrill, but there’s nothing I can really do to make myself look like one of those male porn stars.

    Really at a loss for words after all of this.

  10. jdmeanix says:

    While I have never had a rape fantasy, I can understand the perspective of wanting to be dominated. But it’s not the actual act of domination that is sexually thrilling, if that makes sense.

    It’s about trust. I trust my partner not to make me sputter for air when he puts his hand on my throat. (I honestly don’t find choking that strange. There’s evidence of lack of oxygen increasing sexual pleasure. There’s a lot of stuff if you google it.) While having trouble breathing isn’t for me, just having his hand there and trusting that he won’t choke me turns me on. Might sound weird, but I believe it is fairly common among women.

    And the dominance, too, is about trust. And about lust. To me it’s a confident boost. It says that he wants me so bad that he can hardly control himself. Obviously my boyfriend isn’t going to hurt me, but there’s an adrenaline rush that goes along with being held down and “had.”

    That all being said, it took us a while to get to that point in our relationship. I don’t think that I would have this sort of “rough” sex with someone I wasn’t in a loving and trusting relationship. Besides, we also have gentle and loving sex, too.

    While I understand that everyone’s relationship is different, and I understand and admire the amount of respect and care in how you treat the women you know. But isn’t there also an amount of respect in giving your girlfriend what she asks for, in a safe, consensual environment?

    • I do understand the lust, the trust, dominance, and how pleasure is heightened by asphyxiation. Understanding it and getting pleasure from it are two very different things for me. This is how I am about most things in my life where some kind of conflict is present. I get it, but I don’t personally adhere to the practice.

      I see things the way you do. It has to be a relationship strong enough to withstand acting out in that manner. In the back of my mind, however, I will wonder whether or not her desires are really legitimate or symbolic of an underlying unresolved pathology, as in the case of my ex-girlfriend. That sort of thing can only come with time, but I feel like women want the dominance up front, minus the exploration that goes along with getting to know me. I won’t be that way with a woman unless there is mutual trust between us. I definitely can’t be that way with a woman if I think she has an unresolved pathology because my actions represent taking advantage of her emotional vulnerability. It would be wrong, right?

      It’s a catch 22. Someone won’t trust me until she gets to know me and she won’t get to know me unless dominance triggers attraction, leading to acting out that dominance because we trust one another. Earning trust comes after the attraction, not before. If I’m not attractive by way of dominance, then I can’t get to the trust phase.

      The last part of your comment is where my personal struggle seems to be. I don’t think I could be comfortable doing this to any woman. I don’t have the urge to overpower someone. I don’t express lust that way, but I’ve only ever been in two relationships and only one that involved regular sex. My inexperience is relevant here, but I’m not a na├»ve pup either. I’m very affectionate and physical, but it wouldn’t even dawn on me to hold a woman down, let alone put my hand around her throat. What woman would have the patience with me? Men are essentially expected to perform here too, just like in the case of humor. Women often don’t like having to lead someone along.

      How you phrased it is exactly my conundrum. If I respect and love a woman that much, I should be willing to explore her desires just as she would for me, right? The problem is, in a loving relationship, if one partner is not comfortable with something, the other partner should be accepting about it too. I’m not comfortable depriving a woman of oxygen, even if it would heighten sexual pleasure. I just don’t know if I could do it. I just don’t know.

      The problem is, I’ve lived much of my life being rejected. I haven’t been lusted after. I’ve felt unwanted for the majority of my life. I see this as one more area where I fall short in terms of what women want. Being dominated is so common, but I’m not built for that, physically, nor am I aroused by having that much control over someone. All I see in this is my inadequacy and inexperience. When a woman looks at me (compared to a much larger man), she does not see something that can dominate her. I’m thin and athletic, but the stigma of femininity surely lurks in a woman’s subconscious. The only women I will be capable of dominating are 100lbs and shorter than 5’5, I think. Not many of those around here.

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